This article is the first in a three part series. Part two can be found here. Part three can be found here.
“Burnout is overwhelming, and boundaries are the cure,” is the wisdom written by Nedra Glover Tawwab, MSW, LCSW, in her book called Set Boundaries, Find Peace. It sounds simple, but implementing boundaries can be very challenging. In my work as a licensed professional counselor, I like to reference Tawwab’s wisdom when explaining the importance of boundaries. Most of the time, when I speak to a client and use the word boundaries, as in, “You might want to consider setting some boundaries in this situation,” I often get a reaction of eye rolls, an exasperated sigh, or a look of hopelessness. To many, boundaries feel pointless, exhausting, or confusing. And I get it! When I was a new service dog handler, also in school to become a mental health clinician, my life was full of relationships and situations where having boundaries would have been very helpful to support my mental and physical health. In many instances, stepping away from situations that left me feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and sometimes resentful, I had the opportunity to practice setting boundaries and prevent those feelings from arising. I knew what boundaries were, but I hadn’t yet learned how to implement them effectively in my life. Some questions I had back then echo the questions of my clients of today: Where do I set boundaries? What happens when someone doesn’t respect my boundaries? What even are boundaries?
Setting boundaries can often feel uncomfortable, but it is essential for maintaining well-being, fostering growth, and cultivating healthy relationships (with both people and dogs). Many people do not set boundaries out of fear of upsetting others, but this avoidance can lead to one-sided and exhausting relationships or behavioral patterns that are unsustainable.
As you can imagine, creating and setting boundaries is a large task to tackle. This blog post will be split up into three parts and focus on: demystifying the basics of boundaries, exploring common boundaries for service dog handlers and trainers, and, finally, identifying when it is time to establish boundaries for your own well-being.
What Exactly Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are, simply put, limits we set to protect our time, energy, safety, and values. They can take many forms and adapt to change as needed, depending on the situation or person. I like to think of boundaries as a large, fenced-in yard. You can add whatever you need to this yard to keep yourself safe, cared for, and do the things you value. You can lower the fence, open the gate, and let in whoever you trust into this yard for however long you’d like. Or, you can raise the fence and lock the gate, and send your visitors home. Different visitors often require different preparations for this yard, but when those boundaries are set in place, you can relax and enjoy knowing that your time, energy, safety, and values are protected.
Daily, service dog handlers and trainers encounter many situations that would benefit from a boundary, too many even to count!
But…let’s start with some examples:
- Taking your service dog with you to a quick trip to the pharmacy ends up turning into an educational opportunity for a curious patron. You just can’t say no to someone interested in learning about service dogs, but now you’re late to your appointment!
- You’re focused on training your client in a challenging environment, and a family member keeps calling and texting you. They tend to overstate what constitutes an urgent situation, and of course, they need you to respond immediately, even though you told them you would be with a client until 5 pm. Their texts are distracting, and you keep missing important cues trying to do damage control.
- You are raising your second prospect, and they just turned 8 months. You are feeling immense pressure to attend all the obedience classes, one-on-one training sessions, and meet all the developmental milestones. You feel like you spend all of your waking hours with this dog, and you have constant anxiety about ‘messing up’ or ‘missing something’. This week, even your prospect has begun to show signs of stress and avoidance in their daily training sessions…or is that a fear period?
Now that your brain is swimming with these very relatable and stressful opportunities to implement boundaries, let’s go over the types of boundaries. Boundaries are often described as porous, rigid, or healthy.
Types of Boundaries:
Porous boundaries are like a sponge; they have many holes in them that allow undesirable things to slip through. These boundaries are not well-defined, may be inconsistently maintained, or change frequently. Someone with porous boundaries might find it difficult to say “no” to others, which leads to overexertion, anxiety, and unhealthy relationships. Tawwab lists that common signs of someone with porous boundaries are: people-pleasing, over-reliance on external validation, fear of rejection or disapproval, emotional enmeshment, and even tolerating abuse.
Rigid boundaries are the opposite of porous. They are strict, inflexible, and often detrimental to the boundary-maker. While these strict rules might come from a place of self-protection, someone with rigid boundaries might shut people out, disregard others’ needs and feelings, and isolate themselves. Tawwab states that signs include: having unreasonable expectations, refusing to share or compromise even when necessary, and distancing oneself from others.
Healthy boundaries are built on self-awareness, not emotional baggage. Tawwab mentions that someone with healthy boundaries knows their physical, mental, and emotional capacity and can communicate their needs and expectations clearly. Signs of someone with healthy boundaries include: clarity of their own values, willingness to be vulnerable with trustworthy people, and the ability to change their mind or say “no.”
Boundaries can be physical, emotional, time-based, or relational. A physical boundary could be deciding not to allow a family member to take your prospect puppy for a walk. An emotional boundary could be intentionally declining to share personal information with a stranger who asks about your service dog and disability. A time-based boundary could be setting the amount of time you spend after a scheduled training session with a client, so that your appointment doesn’t run over into the next one. A relational boundary could be limiting the amount of days spent with a family member during a holiday who tends to be emotionally draining. There can also be other forms of boundaries that are a blend of these types!
Cultural Considerations
Boundaries are influenced by many factors, including an individual’s culture and personal values. By making a behavioral change that setting a boundary often requires, others around you may respond negatively or positively. Personal feelings of guilt, anxiety, or shame might arise when making these changes, even if there are also positive feelings like relief.
In individualistic cultures, such as those of the U.S., Canada, and Northern Europe, boundaries are often viewed as a sign of self-respect and autonomy. In collectivist cultures, such as those found in Latin America, East Asia, and many regions of Africa and the Middle East, the needs of the group or family often take precedence over individual needs and personal boundaries. Sometimes boundaries might be interpreted as selfish or a betrayal. Some cultures prefer indirect or very direct communication styles.
It is important to consider your values and culture when establishing boundaries that work best for your life. A reframing of the selfish narrative can be: boundaries are not selfish, they are self-preserving. We can normalize boundaries as mutual care, still respect hierarchies or elders, and convey limits without confrontation. All the while, boundaries can help create interdependence, rather than dependence, in relationships that can be beneficial in the long term.
Final Thoughts – Part 1
Establishing boundaries consistently in your life can feel daunting without having the understanding of what makes up a boundary. So far, we have begun the process of demystifying what boundaries are and how they can be used. In addition, understanding that boundaries are meant to protect and not punish can lead to a very empowering shift in one’s perspective.
For service dog handlers and trainers, this shift is especially important. As we will explore in Part 2, there are unique demands of training, advocacy, and caregiving that require intentional self-care practices in order to prevent burnout. In the next blog post, we’ll take a deeper look at the types of boundaries we covered in this post and explore how they could be utilized in real-life situations, specifically for those in the service dog community. We’ll also look at practical ways to begin setting and honoring boundaries that support both your values and your well-being.
This article was written by Michelle DeRosa. Michelle is a Licensed Clinical Health Counselor in Virginia and Maryland and a National Certified Counselor. In addition to their private practice Pathway Psychotherapy, PLLC, Michelle serves as the Director of Counseling and Student Health at Virginia Wesleyan University in Virginia Beach, VA. Michelle currently serves as a mental health consultant for Atlas.
Further Reading & Resources:
- “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by Nedra Glover Tawwab
- “The Book of Boundaries” by Melissa Urban
- “Trauma Stewardship” by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky
- “Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle” by Emily and Amelia Nagoski
- Mental health resources for animal welfare warriors. Manage compassion fatigue, burnout, and secondary traumatic stress while building resilience.Jennifer Blough, LPC – https://www.animalwelfarewellness.com/
- Atlas Assistance Dogs Resource Page
About Atlas Assistance Dogs
Atlas Assistance Dogs is a non-profit organization that fundamentally expands access to assistance dogs. We support people with disabilities to train and certify their own service dog using positive, ethical training methods. At Atlas, we believe anyone who would benefit from a qualified assistance dog should be able to have one.
We work with people with a wide range of disabilities who wish to train their own service dog as well as offer a comprehensive Academy for professional trainers wanting to become service dog trainers. For more information about Atlas’ Client Certification program or other training services, please visit www.atlasdog.org or contact info@atlasdog.org.
